"I have some news to share with you!"

After my 'Spider Post', I logged into Facebook. I had a message in my Inbox. It's from one of my best friends who has been living a couple thousand miles away for just over a year (she moved with her boyfriend of 6 months at that point). She wants to phone me because she has some news. My heart started racing, the only news that people are happy about and want to tell you 'in-person/offline' is that they are pregnant. Well, being an Infertile, that's the first thing that I think.

Instead of giving her my phone number (she broke her cell phone AKA location of my number, and since we don't talk on the phone that much, I hadn't given it to her yet), I messaged her back saying 'Ooooo what's your news??'. I knew that if she was going to tell me that she's pregnant, I wouldn't want to be on the phone. It would just turn into a shocking, uncomfortable mess.

I go about my other after-work internet routines and keep checking my email to see if she's spilled the beans yet. Twenty minutes later, there is a reply...

"Shhhh. I am pregnant."

All I could write back at that moment was "Wow.". Why did I put a period after that 'Wow'?? I shouldn't have used any punctuation, it wouldn't have left it open to be taken in a negative way. It's been a couple hours and I haven't heard anything more from her. I have no idea what to write to her, I don't want to hurt her feelings or leave her feeling abandoned. And to be honest, right now I'm in too much shock to be doing anything that takes too much rational thinking.

These are the times when I want to hate myself for not reacting like most women do to this kind of news. I know it's not my fault and these feelings are normal, but it's like getting the wind knocked out of you and you desperately don't want to feel that way.

I recently lost a 'friend'. She was very ugly about my feelings when I told her that I needed some space for little while because I was overwhelmed emotionally. She had been with her boyfriend for one month when she got pregnant. They were married in November, four months later. Needless to say I wasn't going to 'suck it up' for her sake. I wasn't friends with her long, I had reunited with her recently (she grew up on the same street as me and I used to play with her sister).

But, this friend now? My heart is aching at the thought she could misunderstand my feelings. I've moved around a lot in the last ten years and she is one of two friends I have right now. My other friend is here in my town and we've been friends for nearly 17 years. It's so tough to know that I can count on two hands, the amount of people in my personal life. I couldn't stand losing her.

I am trying to be happy for her, but at the same time I'm very unhappy for myself. Not because I don't want this to be a good situation, but because I have crazy infertility driven thoughts. I'm irked that she has only been with her boyfriend for a year and a half. I don't even know if they were trying. All these people stumble upon babies and it is the hardest thing I have ever tried in my life!

This feeling in my stomach is just awful right now. I wish this wasn't a part of me.