We live about four hours from Vancouver. Vancouver equals fertility clinics. This is the second biggest challenge to IVF (first being $10,000).
My husband works very long hours. He is a truck driver, so he can't always come running, or even be reached. I work some pretty crazy hours myself. I work at 4am, Mon-Fri, and then I also work at 2:30pm on Mondays and Friday (also known as evil split-shift). I just started at my job a little over 2 months ago. My husband could take some time off if needed (if we could cover the lost income), but I work at a farm where there are very few employees and it's hard to arrange time off. I got a disappointed look when I said I needed a few days for surgery. So, when we get the money for IVF, I have a feeling I'll be forced to leave my job.
When we got married, we decided I would be a Stay-At-Home-Mom. After 4 years of feeling like a useless housewife, I decided to return to work. I needed something to do, to be a part of something. I was originally looking for manufacturing/factory jobs (I love labour! LOL) but on my job search journey, I came across a milking position at the local dairy farm. It was a little funny at first to think of myself milking cows (Okay, it's still a little funny! Hehe!), but then I became curious about the wage. I sent them an email with my resume and wage inquiry. Three weeks later, I was milking cows! I love it! I get to be around animals all day, I even care for the calves! They are just so darn cute. Anyways...
If I had a guarantee that I was coming home with a baby after our first IVF, I would gladly give up my job. But what if I have to leave my job and it doesn't work. I'll be sitting at home again.
I also wonder how many days we/I will have to be in Vancouver. Spending money on days you aren't making any is a tough combo. I wonder if I can get most of my monitoring here. I know I can get my bloodwork, but I'm pretty sure I can't get ultrasound. How many of those will I need?
All I do lately is think about IVF and how we're going to get there.
So many questions...
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Here I go again...
I've tried blogging in the past and have failed. But I feel I need to turn once again to writing for myself rather than in forums and whatnot...
Where do I start? Hmm...
My name is Nikki and I am 24 years old. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I'm married to the love of my life, Ken, who is 35 years old. We have been married for almost four and a half years (August, 23, 2003). We have been trying to get pregnant for four and a half years (wanted to get an early start, hehe). Unfortunately, it's been a very hard road...
I've always had regular cycles, but something inside me was saying that this was going to be a difficult journey. We had never really been that careful in our relationship prior to getting married, so that also gave me some concern. Where we lived there was nothing available for fertility and I didn't even have a family doctor. After we had been trying for a year, we picked up everything and moved to the other side of the country (May 2004). I had read and heard a lot of things about a fertility clinic in Toronto.
After a year and a half of hurdle jumping and money saving, we finally made it to our first cycle with the clinic (July 2005). They wanted to put me on Letrozole along with a trigger shot (Ovidrel) followed by Progesterone suppositories (lovely things they are! *rolls eyes*). This was to be my 'test' cycle before having IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Right in the middle of this I found out where I could get some Pre~Seed (sperm-safe lube!). I've always suspected a problem with my cervical mucus or lack there of, so I was excited to give it a shot. At the end of the cycle, I tested like most anxious women who are trying to conceive (TTC) and it was negative. I still had to go to the clinic for a blood test (BETA) to clear for my next cycle. Much to our surprise, the nurse called and said that my level came back at 18. She then began to warn me that this was NOT good and that they like to see it over 25 at this point. She asked me to come in for a repeat BETA on Monday and to continue the progesterone just in case. Well that was on Friday, so needless to say it was one of the worst weekends of my life! My husband continued to buy me pregnancy tests so we could watch to see if a line showed up. It never did. We just held each other and cried. On Monday, my BETA confirmed no pregnancy. We did two IUIs with injections (Puregon), they failed. My first cycle after the clinic lasted 4 months and slowly shortened after that. Oh and I also got the parting present of an extra 60 pounds onto my body. Fertility drugs suck!
We ended up leaving the clinic because we could no longer afford it at that point. We had already spent nearly $3000, not to mention the cost of living, travelling expenses, etc.. We were finally able to move back to BC in May 2006.
We moved to my birth/home town and I was able to get in with my childhood family doctor. We had mentioned our infertility and some mild things were discussed but not quickly pursued. My cycles had regulated so we decided to go back to using Pre~Seed. I was also using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and charting my BBT (Basal Body Temperature). This first month was negative and not very surprising at this point.
The second month I got my period as usual. I went to use my first OPK of the month and it was blazing positive. So we got to work and did our deed. Three days later my temperature had still not risen. I though it was odd and out of the blue, I got the idea to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! My first ever positive pregnancy test! I was shocked and excited and then all of a sudden I was scared and upset. I had a normal period, that can't be good for pregnancy! I got into my doc's office within a couple hours, he did a pee test, said that everything looked good and sent me on my way for a BETA.
This happened the day before my grandfather's funeral, a bad weekend to say the least. The next morning, I woke up with severe pain, it felt like the worst constipation EVER! We went to the ER and told them I was 6 weeks pregnant. They got me in pretty quickly and sent me for ultrasound. No baby could be found in my uterus. GASP! Then the word 'ectopic' was mentioned. I was terrified, I knew the risks of ectopic! The ER doctor wanted to send me for Laproscopy right away. All I could think about at that point was that I was going to miss my grandpa's service ( I lost my other grandfather at age 6 and for obvious reasons didn't attend his funeral). They had me wait in the ER for the on-call OB. I had accepted that I had to have surgery and lose the baby. Then, lo and behold, this OB says that he thinks everything is fine and to come back next week for another ultrasound. WHAT?!?! Is he screwing with us?
So, my husband leaves with a renewed sense of hope and trusting of the doctor's opinion. I left feeling sick to my stomach and scared for my life. They suspected an ectopic while I was already having abdominal pain, what risk was this doctor taking by making me wait another week!?!
Meanwhile, my BETA keeps rising (a little slow, but rising). I make it to my ultrasound the next week. Now SEVEN! weeks pregnant, the ultrasound again shows nothing in my uterus and no sign of a fetal heartbeat. I'm devastated again and am preparing my mind for surgery. The tech and on-call doctor call Dr. Risk-Taker ( I guess he is my OB now?? WTF?!) to find out the next step. I am to meet with him in his office the next day. Uhh, don't I need emergency surgery, like now, because I'm 7 weeks into an ectopic pregnancy?! We meet Dr. Risk-Taker in his office the next day. He pushes on my tummy for a few seconds and then tells me that my BETA is still rising and he doesn't want to do an unnecessary Laproscopy and risk a possible healthy pregnancy. OMFG, am I having a freaking nightmare!??! So, he schedules me for another ultrasound in a few days. It was like 5 days later but who's counting?
Next ultrasound, no baby. DUH!! I am to have emergency surgery the next morning. I will be almost NINE! weeks pregnant. I didn't eat or drink anything like I was supposed to and made it to the day-surgery ward at 8am. I waited a short while and then they registered and admitted me. Got the gown and they weighed me. They weighed me in kilograms and when I looked at the conversion chart, it put me 40 pounds lighter than I really was. I wasn't sure if I had read the kilograms right, so I didn't mention it to the nurse. ALSO totally forgetting how much weight matters with medications! So my husband and I waited in the holding area of day-surgery.
When 5 pm rolled around and day-surgery SHUTS DOWN! for the day, they told me that they were moving me up to a bed on the gynaecological surgery ward. They weren't sure if I would get my surgery that night, but I STILL! couldn't have anything to eat or drink (no going on 19 hours without WATER!). I got to the ward..... IT WAS SHARED WITH MATERNITY!! I could not believe it!! I was going to have to listen to crying babies while I angonizingly waited to have surgery for the one I was losing! OMG!
Then 7 pm came, and they told me that I would have surgery the next day. I was on the emergency slate, but there were a lot of severe cases taking up the operating rooms. My loving husband, immediately went out and got me a huge McDonald's meal to satisfy my hungrous rage. I had already been through Dr. Risk-Taker being on-call for surgery and had met the night-shift on-call surgeon. Who would be next?
Dr. Super-Awesome took me into surgery at 3pm the next day. I had to sign a form allowing them to remove one or both tubes should they need to. That was the most difficult thing I ever had to sign. After over 3 and a half years of infertility, I didn't want to cut my chances even more. They assured me the laproscopy would be quick (max. 45mins-1 hour) and that I shouldn't feel much, if any, pain when I woke up. I was really scared because the only surgery I had ever had was when I was 7 years old on my bladder and I literally woke up screaming and didn't walk for over a week. Everyone assured me this would not be the same, this was day-surgery and a tiny incision.
I woke up while being wheeled to the recovery room by the anaestesiologist. He was talking, it was almost like a dream, I couldn't quite hear him through the searing pain I felt. The lower half of my body was shaking uncontrollably. Suddenly I heard him... "You've had major surgery, you had internal bleeding, we had to go through your abdomen." He was gone and I was left with my recovery room nurse. I tried to be a good patient through all of my excrutiating pain and asked her what time it was. 6 PM! I had been in surgery for 3 hours! I was nervous to think of what could have happened in the operating room. My nurse hooked me up to a Morphine pump and put the button in my hand. I had to wait a certain period of time in between each push of the button so I would lay there and watch the countdown to my next dose. I could believe the pain and the shaking! The nurse got me some blankets but it was long time before my body stopped reacting to the devastating surgery it had just taken part in. I was moved up to my room (ON THE MATERNITY WARD!) and the ward nurses settled me in and I begged them to call my mom and husband to let them know I was out of surgery (which I had been asking since I had asked what time it was in recovery!). My family finally arrived and you could see the shock and heartache on their faces. I was moaning and and crying because I was still in so much pain even though I was diligent with my button pressing. My husband ran to the nurse's station and they came in and doubled my dose. It still wasn't perfect but I stopped writhing and was able to rest my legs finally.
I didn't get any sleep that night, as one of the side effects of my surgery was sleep-apnea. I would just be starting to fall asleep and then, BAM!, I could feel myself stop breathing and I would jolt myself back awake. They called the Respiratory Therapist at 2 am to come check on me. There was nothing she could do, they just put oxygen on me. I didn't sleep until the next night.
Dr. Super-Awesome came to see me in the morning and told me about my surgery. When they went in with the Laproscope, they saw the pregnancy bulging out the end of my left tube and as soon as they touched it, I began bleeding out. It took 10 minutes from the time it started to make an new (and BIG!) incision in my abdomen. In that time I had lost TWO LITRES of blood. They had to remove my left tube. I had my surgery on Friday, October 13th, 2006. It was a long emotional recovery.
I went for a follow-up with my doctor a couple months later with fertility concerns. After my surgery, I could feel ovulation on my left side for multiple cycles. He wanted us to wait a while longer 'because it can take couples 6 months or more to acheive pregnancy'. Blah, blah, blah.
So here we are a year later. I got a referral to Dr. Super-Awesome and met with him last Thursday. It was not a good appointment, he is still Dr. Super-Awesome, but unfortunately our situation is not. He suspects I have tubal problems, given our long infertility. He has recommended IVF. He also wants me to have another Laproscopy either just before the holidays or just after. He wants to check things out, take pictures and perform another dye test since it's been 3 years since my last one.
I'm having a really hard time with this and understandably so is my husband. We don't have $10,000 for IVF and I'm really scared of surgery.
And this is where I go blank because of the gravity of my last sentence. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I'm just stuck right now....devastated.
What's next?
Where do I start? Hmm...
My name is Nikki and I am 24 years old. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I'm married to the love of my life, Ken, who is 35 years old. We have been married for almost four and a half years (August, 23, 2003). We have been trying to get pregnant for four and a half years (wanted to get an early start, hehe). Unfortunately, it's been a very hard road...
I've always had regular cycles, but something inside me was saying that this was going to be a difficult journey. We had never really been that careful in our relationship prior to getting married, so that also gave me some concern. Where we lived there was nothing available for fertility and I didn't even have a family doctor. After we had been trying for a year, we picked up everything and moved to the other side of the country (May 2004). I had read and heard a lot of things about a fertility clinic in Toronto.
After a year and a half of hurdle jumping and money saving, we finally made it to our first cycle with the clinic (July 2005). They wanted to put me on Letrozole along with a trigger shot (Ovidrel) followed by Progesterone suppositories (lovely things they are! *rolls eyes*). This was to be my 'test' cycle before having IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Right in the middle of this I found out where I could get some Pre~Seed (sperm-safe lube!). I've always suspected a problem with my cervical mucus or lack there of, so I was excited to give it a shot. At the end of the cycle, I tested like most anxious women who are trying to conceive (TTC) and it was negative. I still had to go to the clinic for a blood test (BETA) to clear for my next cycle. Much to our surprise, the nurse called and said that my level came back at 18. She then began to warn me that this was NOT good and that they like to see it over 25 at this point. She asked me to come in for a repeat BETA on Monday and to continue the progesterone just in case. Well that was on Friday, so needless to say it was one of the worst weekends of my life! My husband continued to buy me pregnancy tests so we could watch to see if a line showed up. It never did. We just held each other and cried. On Monday, my BETA confirmed no pregnancy. We did two IUIs with injections (Puregon), they failed. My first cycle after the clinic lasted 4 months and slowly shortened after that. Oh and I also got the parting present of an extra 60 pounds onto my body. Fertility drugs suck!
We ended up leaving the clinic because we could no longer afford it at that point. We had already spent nearly $3000, not to mention the cost of living, travelling expenses, etc.. We were finally able to move back to BC in May 2006.
We moved to my birth/home town and I was able to get in with my childhood family doctor. We had mentioned our infertility and some mild things were discussed but not quickly pursued. My cycles had regulated so we decided to go back to using Pre~Seed. I was also using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and charting my BBT (Basal Body Temperature). This first month was negative and not very surprising at this point.
The second month I got my period as usual. I went to use my first OPK of the month and it was blazing positive. So we got to work and did our deed. Three days later my temperature had still not risen. I though it was odd and out of the blue, I got the idea to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! My first ever positive pregnancy test! I was shocked and excited and then all of a sudden I was scared and upset. I had a normal period, that can't be good for pregnancy! I got into my doc's office within a couple hours, he did a pee test, said that everything looked good and sent me on my way for a BETA.
This happened the day before my grandfather's funeral, a bad weekend to say the least. The next morning, I woke up with severe pain, it felt like the worst constipation EVER! We went to the ER and told them I was 6 weeks pregnant. They got me in pretty quickly and sent me for ultrasound. No baby could be found in my uterus. GASP! Then the word 'ectopic' was mentioned. I was terrified, I knew the risks of ectopic! The ER doctor wanted to send me for Laproscopy right away. All I could think about at that point was that I was going to miss my grandpa's service ( I lost my other grandfather at age 6 and for obvious reasons didn't attend his funeral). They had me wait in the ER for the on-call OB. I had accepted that I had to have surgery and lose the baby. Then, lo and behold, this OB says that he thinks everything is fine and to come back next week for another ultrasound. WHAT?!?! Is he screwing with us?
So, my husband leaves with a renewed sense of hope and trusting of the doctor's opinion. I left feeling sick to my stomach and scared for my life. They suspected an ectopic while I was already having abdominal pain, what risk was this doctor taking by making me wait another week!?!
Meanwhile, my BETA keeps rising (a little slow, but rising). I make it to my ultrasound the next week. Now SEVEN! weeks pregnant, the ultrasound again shows nothing in my uterus and no sign of a fetal heartbeat. I'm devastated again and am preparing my mind for surgery. The tech and on-call doctor call Dr. Risk-Taker ( I guess he is my OB now?? WTF?!) to find out the next step. I am to meet with him in his office the next day. Uhh, don't I need emergency surgery, like now, because I'm 7 weeks into an ectopic pregnancy?! We meet Dr. Risk-Taker in his office the next day. He pushes on my tummy for a few seconds and then tells me that my BETA is still rising and he doesn't want to do an unnecessary Laproscopy and risk a possible healthy pregnancy. OMFG, am I having a freaking nightmare!??! So, he schedules me for another ultrasound in a few days. It was like 5 days later but who's counting?
Next ultrasound, no baby. DUH!! I am to have emergency surgery the next morning. I will be almost NINE! weeks pregnant. I didn't eat or drink anything like I was supposed to and made it to the day-surgery ward at 8am. I waited a short while and then they registered and admitted me. Got the gown and they weighed me. They weighed me in kilograms and when I looked at the conversion chart, it put me 40 pounds lighter than I really was. I wasn't sure if I had read the kilograms right, so I didn't mention it to the nurse. ALSO totally forgetting how much weight matters with medications! So my husband and I waited in the holding area of day-surgery.
When 5 pm rolled around and day-surgery SHUTS DOWN! for the day, they told me that they were moving me up to a bed on the gynaecological surgery ward. They weren't sure if I would get my surgery that night, but I STILL! couldn't have anything to eat or drink (no going on 19 hours without WATER!). I got to the ward..... IT WAS SHARED WITH MATERNITY!! I could not believe it!! I was going to have to listen to crying babies while I angonizingly waited to have surgery for the one I was losing! OMG!
Then 7 pm came, and they told me that I would have surgery the next day. I was on the emergency slate, but there were a lot of severe cases taking up the operating rooms. My loving husband, immediately went out and got me a huge McDonald's meal to satisfy my hungrous rage. I had already been through Dr. Risk-Taker being on-call for surgery and had met the night-shift on-call surgeon. Who would be next?
Dr. Super-Awesome took me into surgery at 3pm the next day. I had to sign a form allowing them to remove one or both tubes should they need to. That was the most difficult thing I ever had to sign. After over 3 and a half years of infertility, I didn't want to cut my chances even more. They assured me the laproscopy would be quick (max. 45mins-1 hour) and that I shouldn't feel much, if any, pain when I woke up. I was really scared because the only surgery I had ever had was when I was 7 years old on my bladder and I literally woke up screaming and didn't walk for over a week. Everyone assured me this would not be the same, this was day-surgery and a tiny incision.
I woke up while being wheeled to the recovery room by the anaestesiologist. He was talking, it was almost like a dream, I couldn't quite hear him through the searing pain I felt. The lower half of my body was shaking uncontrollably. Suddenly I heard him... "You've had major surgery, you had internal bleeding, we had to go through your abdomen." He was gone and I was left with my recovery room nurse. I tried to be a good patient through all of my excrutiating pain and asked her what time it was. 6 PM! I had been in surgery for 3 hours! I was nervous to think of what could have happened in the operating room. My nurse hooked me up to a Morphine pump and put the button in my hand. I had to wait a certain period of time in between each push of the button so I would lay there and watch the countdown to my next dose. I could believe the pain and the shaking! The nurse got me some blankets but it was long time before my body stopped reacting to the devastating surgery it had just taken part in. I was moved up to my room (ON THE MATERNITY WARD!) and the ward nurses settled me in and I begged them to call my mom and husband to let them know I was out of surgery (which I had been asking since I had asked what time it was in recovery!). My family finally arrived and you could see the shock and heartache on their faces. I was moaning and and crying because I was still in so much pain even though I was diligent with my button pressing. My husband ran to the nurse's station and they came in and doubled my dose. It still wasn't perfect but I stopped writhing and was able to rest my legs finally.
I didn't get any sleep that night, as one of the side effects of my surgery was sleep-apnea. I would just be starting to fall asleep and then, BAM!, I could feel myself stop breathing and I would jolt myself back awake. They called the Respiratory Therapist at 2 am to come check on me. There was nothing she could do, they just put oxygen on me. I didn't sleep until the next night.
Dr. Super-Awesome came to see me in the morning and told me about my surgery. When they went in with the Laproscope, they saw the pregnancy bulging out the end of my left tube and as soon as they touched it, I began bleeding out. It took 10 minutes from the time it started to make an new (and BIG!) incision in my abdomen. In that time I had lost TWO LITRES of blood. They had to remove my left tube. I had my surgery on Friday, October 13th, 2006. It was a long emotional recovery.
I went for a follow-up with my doctor a couple months later with fertility concerns. After my surgery, I could feel ovulation on my left side for multiple cycles. He wanted us to wait a while longer 'because it can take couples 6 months or more to acheive pregnancy'. Blah, blah, blah.
So here we are a year later. I got a referral to Dr. Super-Awesome and met with him last Thursday. It was not a good appointment, he is still Dr. Super-Awesome, but unfortunately our situation is not. He suspects I have tubal problems, given our long infertility. He has recommended IVF. He also wants me to have another Laproscopy either just before the holidays or just after. He wants to check things out, take pictures and perform another dye test since it's been 3 years since my last one.
I'm having a really hard time with this and understandably so is my husband. We don't have $10,000 for IVF and I'm really scared of surgery.
And this is where I go blank because of the gravity of my last sentence. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I'm just stuck right now....devastated.
What's next?
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