Whirlwinds

I want to update but things are constantly changing. The first two and a half weeks were absolute hell. I was living a 24/7 nightmare. I thought for sure that my life was over. My husband was distant and pulling away, I was getting ready to seek legal counsel. And then something clicked inside him in the middle of one of my 'begging for my life and marriage' episodes.

After much discussion and loving support, he's come to realize he's bisexual. He didn't understand how he could love me so much and love our life together, yet still feel the need that he needs another man. He thought that he had to be gay if he couldn't live without it. But he says he needs both, that he couldn't live without the love of a woman either, and the woman he wants most (and always has) is me. I've known of my husband's possible bisexuality since shortly after we met. He never got much courage to seek out what these feelings meant to him, but I was always supportive. After we got married, I tried to push a lot of his feelings aside because we were married and living a monogamous life and I felt it didn't really matter anymore. I think this is where I made my mistake with my best friend, I shut out a deep part of him and it became a lot for him to bear on his own.

We've agreed to try an open marriage of sorts, though everything will be in the presence of each other and will only be happening if both of us are comfortable and happy with the situation. I've always been comfortable with sexuality and experimentation, so I don't feel this is a huge threat to me. I also feel the benefits of staying far outweigh any benefit of leaving. I love my husband more than anything, we've always been the couple that everyone says is the 'perfect marriage'. He's my best friend, partner in crime, lover, and husband. We still get to keep everything we have, and for that I'm so grateful. I don't see the harm in trying to add more fun and happiness into our lives.

Obviously, the emotions and thoughts over the past month have been endless, but the last couple weeks have been some of the best our marriage has ever seen. We're are closer and more in love than ever!

This is just a short update because I wasn't even sure if I was going to write today. But, I know a lot of you have been worried about me.

Thank you for being out 'there'!



*Note: Regarding our infertility. We've decided for obvious reasons to put IVF off for atleast a year or two. We need to focus on creating a safe, secure and loving environment for our family first. We both still really want children and it still hurts to have infertility and to have to wait, but we have a lot of discovery and growth ahead of us that needs our full focus.

Internetless for two weeks

I just got internet hooked up today. I will let you all know what's been happening soon. Sorry to keep you all hanging.

Thank you so much for all your support!

Didn't have surgery...something much worse

On Saturday morning, my husband who I've adored for over 7 years, told me that he's gay.

I'm devastated and can't really express myself yet. I needed to get this out and wanted to update.

Please keep me in your thoughts....my whole world is about to change.

Long weekend with a backless gown?

Okay, first of all, sorry for not updating sooner.

I've been back at work for a week now and have an appointment this afternoon to see if my infection is all cleared up. I still feel a little drained but am definitely feeling a lot better.

So, I got a call from my OB/GYN's office this morning. They had an opening come up, so it looks like I'll be in surgery on Monday for my LAP. That is such SHORT notice. I'm freaking out a little. I've cleared it with my employer already and I'll have the two days following surgery to recover. They were originally going to have me in surgery on a Wednesday, so that I could have the rest of the week and the weekend to recover. I sure hope I feel okay by next Thursday!

I'm really curious to know what they will find. I don't think there will be anything too serious as I'm sure they would have seen it when I had surgery in Oct. '06. But, I also can't help but feel that this surgery is pointless. I know that I need IVF and it isn't in the near future. We can't try on our own since we've been advised against it. It just feels weird to have an IF related experience in the middle of this 'forced break'.

My minds a little blank, so if I find more to write, I'll come back later.

Hoping everything goes smoothly, I'm so freakin' scared of surgery!

My body doesn't like me much...

So I'm currently stuck at home with a severe kidney infection. What a wonderful way to bring in the new year. I've been in a lot of pain but the Percocets are helping. I've been wanting to update about Christmas and all that but writing hasn't been high on my list lately. I'm off work until Tuesday (doctor's orders!), and I'm trying to soak up every minute of it as I don't get any time off or stat pay being a farm worker.

Can I go lay down now?

Will update more soon.

Merry Christmas!

My silly sleep schedule has me up before 5am this morning, so now I'm just waiting for everyone to get up. Only a couple more hours before the wrapping paper flies!

Wishing much hope and peace this holiday season!

Sad for my friend

I woke up for work this morning and got on the computer. I had an MSN message from my friend. She wrote to tell me that she had lost the baby. I said the right thing this time. I apologized and told her that we would talk soon.

I feel really bad for her as I know what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time my crazy Infertile brain is eased that this is over for now. Can't believe that I even admitted that... I do feel guilty.

Of course I want all my friends to be happy and have the things that they deserve. I'm definitely NOT happy that my friend is hurting.

I've been wondering all day what I could say to her that might make next time a little easier on me (I'm assuming they'll be trying again). I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me anything, but I do wish I could let her know how to tell me more gently, if that's even possible.

Any suggestions?