Didn't have surgery...something much worse

On Saturday morning, my husband who I've adored for over 7 years, told me that he's gay.

I'm devastated and can't really express myself yet. I needed to get this out and wanted to update.

Please keep me in your thoughts....my whole world is about to change.

Long weekend with a backless gown?

Okay, first of all, sorry for not updating sooner.

I've been back at work for a week now and have an appointment this afternoon to see if my infection is all cleared up. I still feel a little drained but am definitely feeling a lot better.

So, I got a call from my OB/GYN's office this morning. They had an opening come up, so it looks like I'll be in surgery on Monday for my LAP. That is such SHORT notice. I'm freaking out a little. I've cleared it with my employer already and I'll have the two days following surgery to recover. They were originally going to have me in surgery on a Wednesday, so that I could have the rest of the week and the weekend to recover. I sure hope I feel okay by next Thursday!

I'm really curious to know what they will find. I don't think there will be anything too serious as I'm sure they would have seen it when I had surgery in Oct. '06. But, I also can't help but feel that this surgery is pointless. I know that I need IVF and it isn't in the near future. We can't try on our own since we've been advised against it. It just feels weird to have an IF related experience in the middle of this 'forced break'.

My minds a little blank, so if I find more to write, I'll come back later.

Hoping everything goes smoothly, I'm so freakin' scared of surgery!

My body doesn't like me much...

So I'm currently stuck at home with a severe kidney infection. What a wonderful way to bring in the new year. I've been in a lot of pain but the Percocets are helping. I've been wanting to update about Christmas and all that but writing hasn't been high on my list lately. I'm off work until Tuesday (doctor's orders!), and I'm trying to soak up every minute of it as I don't get any time off or stat pay being a farm worker.

Can I go lay down now?

Will update more soon.

Merry Christmas!

My silly sleep schedule has me up before 5am this morning, so now I'm just waiting for everyone to get up. Only a couple more hours before the wrapping paper flies!

Wishing much hope and peace this holiday season!

Sad for my friend

I woke up for work this morning and got on the computer. I had an MSN message from my friend. She wrote to tell me that she had lost the baby. I said the right thing this time. I apologized and told her that we would talk soon.

I feel really bad for her as I know what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time my crazy Infertile brain is eased that this is over for now. Can't believe that I even admitted that... I do feel guilty.

Of course I want all my friends to be happy and have the things that they deserve. I'm definitely NOT happy that my friend is hurting.

I've been wondering all day what I could say to her that might make next time a little easier on me (I'm assuming they'll be trying again). I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me anything, but I do wish I could let her know how to tell me more gently, if that's even possible.

Any suggestions?

"I have some news to share with you!"

After my 'Spider Post', I logged into Facebook. I had a message in my Inbox. It's from one of my best friends who has been living a couple thousand miles away for just over a year (she moved with her boyfriend of 6 months at that point). She wants to phone me because she has some news. My heart started racing, the only news that people are happy about and want to tell you 'in-person/offline' is that they are pregnant. Well, being an Infertile, that's the first thing that I think.

Instead of giving her my phone number (she broke her cell phone AKA location of my number, and since we don't talk on the phone that much, I hadn't given it to her yet), I messaged her back saying 'Ooooo what's your news??'. I knew that if she was going to tell me that she's pregnant, I wouldn't want to be on the phone. It would just turn into a shocking, uncomfortable mess.

I go about my other after-work internet routines and keep checking my email to see if she's spilled the beans yet. Twenty minutes later, there is a reply...

"Shhhh. I am pregnant."

All I could write back at that moment was "Wow.". Why did I put a period after that 'Wow'?? I shouldn't have used any punctuation, it wouldn't have left it open to be taken in a negative way. It's been a couple hours and I haven't heard anything more from her. I have no idea what to write to her, I don't want to hurt her feelings or leave her feeling abandoned. And to be honest, right now I'm in too much shock to be doing anything that takes too much rational thinking.

These are the times when I want to hate myself for not reacting like most women do to this kind of news. I know it's not my fault and these feelings are normal, but it's like getting the wind knocked out of you and you desperately don't want to feel that way.

I recently lost a 'friend'. She was very ugly about my feelings when I told her that I needed some space for little while because I was overwhelmed emotionally. She had been with her boyfriend for one month when she got pregnant. They were married in November, four months later. Needless to say I wasn't going to 'suck it up' for her sake. I wasn't friends with her long, I had reunited with her recently (she grew up on the same street as me and I used to play with her sister).

But, this friend now? My heart is aching at the thought she could misunderstand my feelings. I've moved around a lot in the last ten years and she is one of two friends I have right now. My other friend is here in my town and we've been friends for nearly 17 years. It's so tough to know that I can count on two hands, the amount of people in my personal life. I couldn't stand losing her.

I am trying to be happy for her, but at the same time I'm very unhappy for myself. Not because I don't want this to be a good situation, but because I have crazy infertility driven thoughts. I'm irked that she has only been with her boyfriend for a year and a half. I don't even know if they were trying. All these people stumble upon babies and it is the hardest thing I have ever tried in my life!

This feeling in my stomach is just awful right now. I wish this wasn't a part of me.

Woah!

This thing was in our house last night!

I'm not normally scared of spiders but I'm not a big fan either. But this one was HUGE! I made Ken take pictures of it. I made him get rid of it quickly after I uploaded the pictures to get a better look. After I saw this picture, I felt my pant leg slide across my foot and I nearly jumped out of my chair! HAHA!

Said spider is now in garbage bin.