My body doesn't like me much...

So I'm currently stuck at home with a severe kidney infection. What a wonderful way to bring in the new year. I've been in a lot of pain but the Percocets are helping. I've been wanting to update about Christmas and all that but writing hasn't been high on my list lately. I'm off work until Tuesday (doctor's orders!), and I'm trying to soak up every minute of it as I don't get any time off or stat pay being a farm worker.

Can I go lay down now?

Will update more soon.

Merry Christmas!

My silly sleep schedule has me up before 5am this morning, so now I'm just waiting for everyone to get up. Only a couple more hours before the wrapping paper flies!

Wishing much hope and peace this holiday season!

Sad for my friend

I woke up for work this morning and got on the computer. I had an MSN message from my friend. She wrote to tell me that she had lost the baby. I said the right thing this time. I apologized and told her that we would talk soon.

I feel really bad for her as I know what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time my crazy Infertile brain is eased that this is over for now. Can't believe that I even admitted that... I do feel guilty.

Of course I want all my friends to be happy and have the things that they deserve. I'm definitely NOT happy that my friend is hurting.

I've been wondering all day what I could say to her that might make next time a little easier on me (I'm assuming they'll be trying again). I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me anything, but I do wish I could let her know how to tell me more gently, if that's even possible.

Any suggestions?

"I have some news to share with you!"

After my 'Spider Post', I logged into Facebook. I had a message in my Inbox. It's from one of my best friends who has been living a couple thousand miles away for just over a year (she moved with her boyfriend of 6 months at that point). She wants to phone me because she has some news. My heart started racing, the only news that people are happy about and want to tell you 'in-person/offline' is that they are pregnant. Well, being an Infertile, that's the first thing that I think.

Instead of giving her my phone number (she broke her cell phone AKA location of my number, and since we don't talk on the phone that much, I hadn't given it to her yet), I messaged her back saying 'Ooooo what's your news??'. I knew that if she was going to tell me that she's pregnant, I wouldn't want to be on the phone. It would just turn into a shocking, uncomfortable mess.

I go about my other after-work internet routines and keep checking my email to see if she's spilled the beans yet. Twenty minutes later, there is a reply...

"Shhhh. I am pregnant."

All I could write back at that moment was "Wow.". Why did I put a period after that 'Wow'?? I shouldn't have used any punctuation, it wouldn't have left it open to be taken in a negative way. It's been a couple hours and I haven't heard anything more from her. I have no idea what to write to her, I don't want to hurt her feelings or leave her feeling abandoned. And to be honest, right now I'm in too much shock to be doing anything that takes too much rational thinking.

These are the times when I want to hate myself for not reacting like most women do to this kind of news. I know it's not my fault and these feelings are normal, but it's like getting the wind knocked out of you and you desperately don't want to feel that way.

I recently lost a 'friend'. She was very ugly about my feelings when I told her that I needed some space for little while because I was overwhelmed emotionally. She had been with her boyfriend for one month when she got pregnant. They were married in November, four months later. Needless to say I wasn't going to 'suck it up' for her sake. I wasn't friends with her long, I had reunited with her recently (she grew up on the same street as me and I used to play with her sister).

But, this friend now? My heart is aching at the thought she could misunderstand my feelings. I've moved around a lot in the last ten years and she is one of two friends I have right now. My other friend is here in my town and we've been friends for nearly 17 years. It's so tough to know that I can count on two hands, the amount of people in my personal life. I couldn't stand losing her.

I am trying to be happy for her, but at the same time I'm very unhappy for myself. Not because I don't want this to be a good situation, but because I have crazy infertility driven thoughts. I'm irked that she has only been with her boyfriend for a year and a half. I don't even know if they were trying. All these people stumble upon babies and it is the hardest thing I have ever tried in my life!

This feeling in my stomach is just awful right now. I wish this wasn't a part of me.

Woah!

This thing was in our house last night!

I'm not normally scared of spiders but I'm not a big fan either. But this one was HUGE! I made Ken take pictures of it. I made him get rid of it quickly after I uploaded the pictures to get a better look. After I saw this picture, I felt my pant leg slide across my foot and I nearly jumped out of my chair! HAHA!

Said spider is now in garbage bin.

I Would Die For That...

The Most Wonderful/Horrible Time of the Year

It's December already!

This year has gone SO fast!

Christmas is coming...

I always loved Christmas as a child, but now I always have mixed feelings. Christmas now is a reminder of another year past with no toys in the house. I want the excitement of Santa, screams, giggles, the whole works.

There are no children in our family. We don't really have many close relatives. I have my Mom and Dad (who are divorced and live in different cities), no siblings. Ken has his Mom, Dad and Sister. Ken's family lives on the other side of the country.

So as you can see, Christmas is pretty lonely and dull for us. We have actually skipped Christmas in the past, but usually we try and make it as special as we can. It's tough. We want more than anything to wake up to our kids freaking out that Santa had visited during the night. We want to spoil them (not rotten, of course) and have fun as a family. This is our fifth Christmas since we got married and it all seems so unfair. I know you can't always get everything exactly as you want, but come on!

Wish I had a rich uncle who could give me an IVF gift card in my stocking...