I want to update but things are constantly changing. The first two and a half weeks were absolute hell. I was living a 24/7 nightmare. I thought for sure that my life was over. My husband was distant and pulling away, I was getting ready to seek legal counsel. And then something clicked inside him in the middle of one of my 'begging for my life and marriage' episodes.
After much discussion and loving support, he's come to realize he's bisexual. He didn't understand how he could love me so much and love our life together, yet still feel the need that he needs another man. He thought that he had to be gay if he couldn't live without it. But he says he needs both, that he couldn't live without the love of a woman either, and the woman he wants most (and always has) is me. I've known of my husband's possible bisexuality since shortly after we met. He never got much courage to seek out what these feelings meant to him, but I was always supportive. After we got married, I tried to push a lot of his feelings aside because we were married and living a monogamous life and I felt it didn't really matter anymore. I think this is where I made my mistake with my best friend, I shut out a deep part of him and it became a lot for him to bear on his own.
We've agreed to try an open marriage of sorts, though everything will be in the presence of each other and will only be happening if both of us are comfortable and happy with the situation. I've always been comfortable with sexuality and experimentation, so I don't feel this is a huge threat to me. I also feel the benefits of staying far outweigh any benefit of leaving. I love my husband more than anything, we've always been the couple that everyone says is the 'perfect marriage'. He's my best friend, partner in crime, lover, and husband. We still get to keep everything we have, and for that I'm so grateful. I don't see the harm in trying to add more fun and happiness into our lives.
Obviously, the emotions and thoughts over the past month have been endless, but the last couple weeks have been some of the best our marriage has ever seen. We're are closer and more in love than ever!
This is just a short update because I wasn't even sure if I was going to write today. But, I know a lot of you have been worried about me.
Thank you for being out 'there'!
*Note: Regarding our infertility. We've decided for obvious reasons to put IVF off for atleast a year or two. We need to focus on creating a safe, secure and loving environment for our family first. We both still really want children and it still hurts to have infertility and to have to wait, but we have a lot of discovery and growth ahead of us that needs our full focus.
3 comments:
I am glad that you are feeling better about your situation. From experience, though, please know that an open marriage is hard. (I am bi and tried it with my first spouse, who is a woman.) I agree 100% that he's interest in men will not disappear whether or not he is married to you (again, I speak from experience.) Bisexuality doesn't go away in accordance with a relationship. I think it is wonderful that you are embracing this!
But in case my experiences are of any help to you, here is what I suggest:
1) Be open about your feelings at all times. If you are uncomfortable about something, be honest. You don't want to end up angry or resentful further down the road.
2) If you include another person into your bedroom, make sure you discuss ahead of time what the rules will be. When more than two people are involved in an intimate act, rules are really important (as in, who can and cannot do what to whom.)
3) Define a few things that are reserved for the two of you. Continuing to feel that you are the most important person in his life will be a challenge. So, maybe it is choosing one night per week for the two of you to go on a date. Or that he is not going to spend more than one night per month with someone else. Just make sure to protect yourself in this, ok? You should still be his #1 no matter what!!!
I am here if you want to chat....
XOXOXO
3)
It was so nice to read your story this morning because in many ways it is like mine. To make a long saga short, I am in an open marriage to a man I adore and have a girlfriend who I have been with now for a year and a half. It is wonderful. The best thing we ever did for ourselves and our marriage. As the poster before me said, it's not easy. And the suggestions they left are right on. But despite it all, it has been worth it, at least for us, because having an open marriage allows us to follow our hearts and our intuition instead of simply convention. And the result has been achieving a higher level of love and consciousness than we ever expected.
All the best,
Jenny Block
www.jennyonthepage.com
open-marriage.blogspot.com/
I am glad to read an update from you. I think it's great that you are both willing to try a different arrangement. I also understand why you are putting fertility treatments off for a while. Definitely a good decision!!
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